Ideal Life Assumptions

how to stop fooling yourself into a life you won’t love

Author

Rames Quinerie
January 10, 2025

The world we see is not the entire universe but a limited one that the mind cares about. However, to our minds, that small world is the entire universe.
— Haemin Sunim

When I was a kid, my dream job was to be a “beach tester.” That was the ultimate goal. Now, as a digital nomad and surfer, I feel like I’m as close as I’ll ever get to making that dream come true. The sad part is that it’s not my dream job anymore. Still, I think my 6-year-old self would be proud.

Since childhood, I’ve always idealized what kind of life I wanted. I think we all do—it’s just part of being human. As we grow, these ideal life assumptions shift. Sometimes they become richer and more complex; other times, they simplify and strip away the clutter.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on this idea. Even if we’re not consciously thinking about them, these assumptions about our ideal lives can stick with us for years. The funny (and sometimes cruel) thing is, we often have no clue whether we’d actually enjoy them. We just assume we would.

Isn’t that crazy? Spending years envisioning and wanting a life we might end up hating?

Take this personal example: for years, I imagined myself living in a remote mountain cabin, surrounded by nature. This scenario wasn’t even visual for me (hello, aphantasia). Instead, it was a feeling—a sense of peace, simplicity, and connection to the natural world.

But as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized how much I value relationships. I crave community and the feeling of being connected to others. So, what if I had fully committed to this idea of mountain life? Would I end up lonely, far from the people and connections that matter most?

It’s wild how something we’ve carried with us for years can shatter in moments when faced with reality. And the harshest realization might be that we’ve been fooling ourselves all along.

But.

I’m not here to say it’s bad to dream about an ideal life. Far from it. Dreaming feels good, and it’s something we can’t avoid. Instead, this has led me to think that we should be more proactive in testing our dreams and assumptions.

Here’s how I see it:

  1. Notice your assumptions. These ideas often feel tied to our identity. They don’t feel like assumptions; they feel like who we are. But that’s not true. It’s important to step back and ask: what is an untested assumption, and what’s actually part of my identity—something I’ve already experienced and know to be true?

  2. Test them. You don’t have to dive in fully. Start small—just enough to get a glimpse of whether this ideal life aligns with reality. For example, my dream of living in the mountains? I could test it out by spending a few months in a super remote place. I have the freedom to live anywhere, so why not give it a try and see how it feels?

The mountain example might be extreme, so here’s another one: woodworking. For years, I was fascinated by it. I watched countless videos and imagined owning a cozy little workshop filled with tools. I even wondered if I could make it my full-time job one day.

But for all that dreaming, I never actually did anything about it. I always had excuses: I move too much, I don’t have space, I don’t own the tools, and so on. In reality, all I needed was a knife and a piece of wood. A few months ago, I finally gave it a shot and started woodcarving. Now, I’m testing the assumption—and so far, I’m loving it.

So, that’s something I want to get better at. I love romanticizing my life, but I want to separate belief from reality. I want to notice my assumptions, challenge them, and commit to testing them. Because as nice as it is to dream, truly knowing what brings you joy is even better.

— James

Tools & Websites

  • Coda is an all-in-one work tool that lets you create documents, spreadsheets, and simple apps in one place. It's great for setting up automatic workflows and managing lots of data. While Notion is better for organizing general content and is easier to use, Coda shines when you need to handle more complex work processes.

  • OGImage Galleryis a repository of the best OpenGraph images (the image that pops up when you share a link on social media, for example). Awesome collection for inspiration.

  • I couldn't quite understand what Sofi is. An oral spray? Supposedly good for health—though I'm not sure why. Nonetheless, they have a great website ↓

James’ Library

Article

A lovely essay about crafting productivity that (1) works for you, (2) is sustainable, and (3) is more aligned with your personal ambitions. I didn't resonate with everything, but the things I did really struck me.

Here's one of my highlights:

Ambition isn't about getting more money, more goods, bigger houses, greater acclaim from people you don't know or respect. It's not about anything that can fit on a spreadsheet or graph, or that lends itself well to bragging on social media. All of that is just grasping, not ambition.

Ambition is about the echoes you want to leave reverberating in the world around you. It's about finding the place in The Current where your heart, mind, and gut resonate with creation. Ambition is about living life as an art of devotion to the Process and Pattern, making reality more beautiful with your participation than it would be without it.

Book

The Thursday Murder Club brings together Elizabeth, Ibrahim, Joyce, and Ron, residents of Coopers Chase, an upper middle-class retirement village. Their hobby of investigating cold cases takes a thrilling turn when they find themselves entangled in a real murder.

The book is brilliantly crafted—funny, witty, and above all, delightfully British.

I was at lunch, this is two or three months ago, and it must have been a Monday, because it was shepherd’s pie. Elizabeth said she could see that I was eating, but wanted to ask me a question about knife wounds, if it wasn’t inconvenient? I said, ‘Not at all, of course, please,’ or words to that effect. I won’t always remember everything exactly, I might as well tell you that now. So she opened a manila folder, and I saw some typed sheets and the edges of what looked like old photographs. Then she was straight into it. Elizabeth asked me to imagine that a girl had been stabbed with a knife. I asked what sort of knife she had been stabbed with, and Elizabeth said probably just a normal kitchen knife. John Lewis. She didn’t say that, but that was what I pictured. Then she asked me to imagine this girl had been stabbed, three or four times, just under the breastbone. In and out, in and out, very nasty, but without severing an artery. She was fairly quiet about the whole thing, because people were eating, and she does have some boundaries.

…Aesthetic Corner…

Keychron is a popular brand known for its high-quality mechanical keyboards designed for productivity and gaming. They are highly customizable, versatile, wireless, and compatible with macOS, Windows, and Linux. Prices range from $130 to $230.

ParillaWorks is John Parilla's woodworking alias. He's an exceptionally creative and talented furniture maker. I particularly admire his apothecary cabinets, though every piece he crafts is a beautiful work of art.

You can also check out his work on YouTube.

Sustainable Living

Samara builds small homes that you can add to your property to welcome more guests or as your family grows. They offer different sizes - from tiny studios to two-bedroom units - between 420 and 950 square feet (39-88m²).

While Backyard is primarily designed as an “accessory” to a primary residence, it can also be permitted as a standalone single-family residence.

These homes are built to be eco-friendly. They use half the energy of regular homes their size. With solar panels installed, these homes can generate enough energy to power themselves and share excess electricity with your main house.

The installation process is smooth and designed to cause little disruption. Samara takes care of everything, including design, permits, manufacturing, and installation, completing it all in as little as seven months.

Friends of James

  • Beehiiv — the powerhouse behind all my newsletters, helping me craft, design, grow my audience, and monetize effortlessly.

  • Notion — my go-to tool for the last 6+ years, where I store all my notes, manage tasks, and essentially run both my life and businesses.

  • Webflow — the engine behind all my websites, letting me design, build, and launch seamlessly without code.

  • Make — the tool that runs my business on autopilot, handling all recurring and time-consuming tasks

*these are affiliate links, which means I earn a small commission if you make a purchase through them. Your support directly helps keep this newsletter going ✌️

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